Well Christmas fever has arrived. Like soot in a coal mine, the Christmas spirit hangs heavy in the air of the Gazette office: a toxic, unwanted substance.

I had hoped to devote this week’s update to the insidious phenomenon of Christmas creep, but I was forced to poach the topic for a column in tomorrow’s paper. You can read that particular lump of coal on Wednesday’s page four.

Instead, I have chosen to tackle holiday tunes today, and before I proceed I would like my two faithful readers to recognize the extreme sacrifice I have made by choosing this topic. As I write this, my ears are trying to fully separate from my body in a desperate attempt to avoid any future infliction of Christmas tunes.

The following is merely a brief glance at the lengthy catalogue of horrible Christmas music. I also chose not to present the songs in any particular order, since once you pass below a certain level of quality there’s really no point in ranking.

Grab your earplugs, folks — these ones are stinkers.

“Wonderful Christmastime” Paul McCartney — Though I racked my brain to find a more over-played Christmas tune, I could not. McCartney’s contribution exists in that weird realm beyond the “classic” Christmas songbook, and for good reason. It’s awful. The sing-song chorus is one of the more persistent ear worms of the holiday season and does little more than exponentially increase the rage level of Christmas shoppers. With Wings, McCartney showed himself to be “the insipid Beatle” and this song only serves to sweeten an already too-sweet holiday season.

“Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” Tom Waits — I love Tom Waits. He’s what you would expect would happen if you were to blend Frank Oz (of The Muppets) with Randy Newman in a vat of bourbon. Tom Waits’ career has experienced a remarkable lifespan for someone who sounds like Grandpa getting drunk at karaoke. He opens this tune with a rendition of “Silent Night”  — one of the most cringe-inducing experiences you will ever have. The song that follows remains remarkably true to the title, though whether such an accomplishment is a good thing remains to be seen.

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” Bruce Springsteen —The Boss should be careful making songs like this.  Though most people avoid New Jersey like the plague, Santa Claus still manages to make the trip every year, though that may change after he hears this tune. Bruce remains unintelligible for most of this trainwreck, with the occasional “woo” thrown in to show how exuberant he is for the holiday season. This is the song that gave me the joy of experiencing my eardrums attempting to vomit.

“Little Drummer Boy” Everyone… but especially Michael Jackson — I really can’t understand the love this song receives. Not a year goes by without some starry-eyed young artist wanting to cover it. I’m not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but the crassness of commercializing what I can only assume is a solemn devotion to  the Christian faith is remarkable. Plus, “pa-rumpa-pum-pum” is quite possible the worst onomatopoeia ever invented. No drum has every sounded like that, ever. I would have thought the rendition by Peter Griffin of Family Guy would have dissuaded people from playing this song.

Anything by Alvin and the Chipmunks — I thought briefly about citing just one Chipmunks song. But that would be an exercise in futility. They’re all equally atrocious. It’s bad enough that someone decided there was money to be made in creating “A Chipmunk Christmas,” but why do we feel the need to listen to it on an annual basis? Haven’t we suffered enough? Crappy singing sped up to 78 RPM is still crappy singing.

“Do they know it’s Christmas” Band Aid — Yes, I think they do, and even if they don’t, repeating the song’s title endlessly for the chorus only serves to irritate anyone listening to this piece of tripe. Donating money to charity is a noble pursuit, but every holiday season I can’t help but wonder if this song hurts more people than it helps.

“All I Want for Christmas Is You” Mariah Carey — Surprisingly enough, there was a time when I had a girlfriend. As a result, I was forced to endure a plethora of romantic comedies, one of which was “Love, Actually.” In the movie this song accompanies a  scene so cheesy my eyeballs rolled out of my skull. They needed to be surgically re-attached. Honestly. Carey shows her versatility by reaching octaves above a normal audible frequency.

“Mistress for Christmas” AC/DC — Coming from the 1990* album “The Razor’s Edge” (also known as “the one people only listen to because the first track is ‘Thunderstruck’”), Mistress for Christmas is a remarkable piece. Nobody has every claimed AC/DC to be the most subtle of bands, but this song really stretches the line. Without a doubt one of the raunchiest Christmas tunes ever written (though “Back Door Santa”  comes close), with the line “I wanna ride on your reindeer honey and ring the bells,” this song reaches new depths of depravity.

* The original article incorrectly listed the date as 1980.