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Merry Christmas?

This may come as a shock to all of our readers: the holiday season is upon us. In traditional Gazette style, we’ve put together a collection of things we hate about the holiday season, as well as some solutions. So presented in no particular order, here are our 2009 Festive Frustrations:

Reunions with curious family members: Everyone has the family members who spend their time at family gatherings judiciously asking everyone what their plans are for the future. Perhaps it’s because they no longer have a life of their own. Whatever the reason, these persistent questions often sour the festive spirit. For fun, why not tell them you’re joining the Peace Corps or plan to study Buddhism in Nepal?

The early shoppers: Let’s not forget the “holier than thou” jerks who go around asking everyone if they’ve done all their Christmas shopping. These people bought their Christmas gifts in mid-July while normal people went to the beach, and now they’re sanctimonious pricks to anyone who hasn’t finished buying gifts before Dec. 20.

The mall: Yes, it’s a clichéd item to add onto the list. But our hate extends beyond the massive throngs of shoppers pretending they’re auditioning for American Gladiators. There’s also the slow walkers — those oblivious individuals who haven’t picked up on the average speed of everyone surrounding them. Or how about the pushy sales clerks hoping to rack up enough commission for their holiday bonus?

Carolers: While they are a welcome addition to every festive occasion, few things are quite as awkward as figuring out what to do after the carolers stop singing. Are we supposed to give them money? Applaud? Provide hot chocolate? Slam the door in their faces?

The fake show of enjoyment: There may be people out there who can’t wait for that three-pack of grey tube socks under the tree — we’re not ones to judge. But it can be pretty difficult to act enthusiastic for some of those less desirable gifts. In order to avoid this predicament, the Gazette recommends taking drama classes and opening presents early — that way there’s plenty of opportunity to act surprised about the ugly sweater Grandma got you.

The meals: As with virtually every other family gathering, the winter holidays provide our parents with the opportunity to dote on their children. Unfortunately, this normally comes in the form of excessive quantities of food being forced down our throats — usually in the form of Grandma’s inedible fruitcake.

But things don’t have to be this way — pretend you’re allergic, or try being some sort of “__atarian” to get out of having to down extra helpings of food.

As with everything, a healthy supply of booze can be the cause of and solution to many festive problems. With the LCBO bringing in their annual holiday supply of comically oversized bottles, why not find your way to some Christmas cheer with a high rum-to-eggnog ratio?

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