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Needing to take the sheen off of Sheen

At long last, our national nightmare has come to an end. Charlie Sheen has been fired from the cast of Two and a Half Men.

Finally, an end to the litany of Sheen–related jokes. It’s bad enough we had to endure James Franco in drag at the Oscars to make a cheap joke, but when even Tom Tomorrow of This Modern World is throwing up a Sheener it’s clear this cultural trend has jumped the proverbial shark.

Not that I’m defending he–who–carries–the–blood–of–tigers–in–his–veins. I despise Two and a Half Men and Sheen’s off–screen antics carry all the charm of a feces–flinging chimpanzee invading my living room. But still, who am I to judge?

Sure, it’s puzzling to see the free ride Sheen gets when compared to some of Hollywood’s other more notable trainwrecks. The man is still applauded by a legion of fans for the increasingly unhinged diatribes floundering out of his mouth. Yet one sees quite the double standard when it comes to other celebrities — mostly female — like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton.

But the argument I’m putting forward isn’t about sexism. I’m more worried about the exponentially increasing amount of news coverage devoted to the construction and dismantling of celebrity icons in our society. You’re more likely to hear about Muammar Qaddafi in the context of Charlie Sheen — who can say the craziest thing? — than in the context of “real news.”

I get it — the news today is depressing. I can barely bring myself to watch 60 Minutes most weeks because of all the stories about record–breaking levels of child poverty in America. And that’s even before Andy Rooney comes on.

So perhaps it’s only reasonable that people may want to find an outlet for themselves. Watching a celebrity deal with delusions of grandeur and what are likely crippling levels of drug abuse may make it easier to feel better about your own life. Even if the guy made more money per episode than most people will see in their entire lives.

Which is why I say screw the celebrities. Whether you’re Helen Lovejoying about the poor role models modern celebrities are for youth or cheering Sheen on, you’re all part of the same problem. Just ignore them.

There was a time when people didn’t need to obsessively know every intimate detail of their favourite celebrities. I know that Mark Zuckerberg has a new dog but I know little to nothing about most of the residents in my apartment building. I think some of them have dogs.

Part of me wants to blame the 24-hour news cycle. With a constant need for new information, celebrity infotainment can help create some filler for desperate editors to shovel out into the world–at–large. Or maybe it’s just pandering to a society that embraces the lowest common denominator on an ever–increasing basis.

Either way, it’s hard to see how this obsession is in any way healthy. Superstars are rewarded with obscene amounts of attention — perhaps no more than they would have been in the past — but now it’s for behaviour instead of talent.

With all that being said, I realize the inherent irony of devoting an entire column to writing about how Sheen and other celebrities should be ignored. It seems you just can’t beat a man who’s bi–winning.

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