In the past I've read shoes, but when it’s October, I read costumes. The stark realization that you might, yet again, be alone come the holiday season is just as haunting as that one photo at The Ceeps that you begged your friends not to tag you in. Things are getting spooky — including your love life. Instead of taking to Tinder and Bumble, head to the bars with this carefully-crafted list of what their costume says about them.

Girls

Cats

You might want to double-check her for a purple lanyard or a meal plan because nothing screams “first-year regrets” more than your classic cat costume. She might have had her fake ID confiscated at Jack's last Monday, but it’s OK; this bar star is back at the game. Between her rants about her sorority’s philanthropy and her obsession with juice cleanses, she’s actually a nice girl who has a few clever Instagram captions here and there. If you’re looking for a girl to go see Avicii with and to pour you vegan, non-GMO, gluten-free water on a hard day, you’ve found your hunny.

Lifeguard

It’s debatable whether or not she can actually save your life, but hey, a fake Baywatch costume from Amazon Prime is close enough to prime health care, am I right? The lifeguard certificate that she has printed out in her Michael Kors wallet is probably fake, but her love for breaking hearts sure isn’t. If you’re an aspiring SoundCloud rapper who wants to copy Drake’s whole “she broke me” aesthetic, this is the girl of your dreams. She might ghost you even before you have a chance to profess your love, but if you’re an aspiring sad boy, look no further. 

Types of Alcohol

A 13-year-old user on Tumblr once said “the things we love hurt us the most.” We love alcohol, but boy, do we hurt the next day. Who, of all Western habitants, enjoys alcohol the most shamelessly? Frat boys and Ivey boys. For those boys, this is the girl of your dreams. If you’re looking for someone to sneak out the left-overs from Ivey formal and feed them to you as you ruin the hopes of small businesses, she’s the girl for you.

Little Red Riding Hood

Between running her makeup account and posting her discount codes on Instagram, she’s just your average girl who’s looking for a man with 2000 plus followers on Instagram to love. If you’re into listening to stories while doing minimal talking, this is the girl for you. This girl will give you unconditional affection as long as you have a 20 per cent discount code of your own and can get her on the guest list to Prohibition London.

Guys

Meme

Whether he’s some Donald Trump meme or the guy who wears sunglasses to season his chicken, you can tell that he shreds Reddit like no other and probably has coffee stains on all of his nice dress shirts. Although this man is probably an avid collector of Reeboks, he has a big heart and will share terrible Instagram memes with you through direct messages if you let him.

Drinking Game

Can you tell he’s probably in the Uno Dos Tres Fraternity or Ivey's Advanced Entry Opportunity? It definitely wasn’t the ever-so-clever red solo cup costume that gave it away. Ladies, if you want to butt the line at The Barking Frog every Thursday and end up a bit more vulnerable each week after you get ghosted, this man is cuddle buddy material. Although he probably will go on and on about how his dad will sue and how he ended up on the cover of Total Frat Move, he’s got a big heart underneath that only grows bigger and fonder of you if you tell him his stocks went up.

Jon Snow

Here’s a man just looking for a queen to rule his kingdom. If you love a man in fur and leather, you have officially hit the jackpot. If you’re down to eat chicken like a savage at Medieval Times, and if you’ve always wanted VIP tickets to Boots and Hearts Music Festival, this is your time ladies — seize this man while you can!

Pennywise

If you see a man dressed up as a clown with blood all over him, it’s questionable why you would consider him a man you could take home for turkey dinner — but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants. If you love the type of man who goes for black coffee, then this is the man for you. If you dig men who are tortured and mysterious and who claim they only feel comfortable living in the dark, look for daddy no more!

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