LONDON, CANADA — The Western Geographic reports evidence that Western University legend Rick McGhie is a different type of mythic figure: he’s a 1,000-year-old immortal.

While you may know Rick from Wednesday nights at The Spoke, history tells a different tale.

In a year-long investigation, the Western Geographic has uncovered photographic evidence dating back to 1066 CE. While McGhie passes himself off as a spry 68-year-old, academics know of him by other names — William the Conqueror, Henry VIII of England and a former beau of Marilyn Monroe.

“McGhie is clever,” said Western anthropology professor Morty Goldstein. “He knows students will fall into a drunken stupor at The Spoke. Nobody asks questions beyond ‘who’s buying the next pitcher?’ ”

Indeed, the soft strum of McGhie’s guitar as he croons “A long, long time ago…” has new meaning. Over the course of the last 12 months, the Western Geographic has worked tirelessly to determine the source of McGhie’s longevity. The investigation took a team of reporters, researchers and archeologists to the far corners of the world, from the fifth floor of the D.B. Weldon Library to a Benedictine monastery in France.

Turns out, the answer was in Weldon Library.

Throughout history, McGhie has disguised himself using ancient magic. Reports stating the performer “casts a spell on his audience” are true. Lulling his audience into a trance, the virtuoso absorbs students’ youthful energy. Each performance gives him another seven days.

“We uncovered the spell in Wicca and Witchcraft for Dummies,” said Goldstein. “He’s been doing this for 1,000 years. William the Conqueror was known to be a skilled lute player. Now we know why,” Goldstein added with the shit-eating grin reserved for academics in the spotlight.

Photos and portraiture from over the centuries reveal that McGhie reinvents himself approximately every 75 years. Evidence puts McGhie in the streets of the French Revolution, the trenches of the Second World War and in the shadow of University College since 1970.

McGhie would neither confirm nor deny the allegations. When reporters approached McGhie for comment, he refused to speak beyond crooning the lyrics of classic rock songs.

“Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again,” McGhie sung. “Oh babe, I hate to go.”

Goldstein estimates students only have a few more years with McGhie before he assumes a new identity. When the Western Geographic asked McGhie what’s next, he tossed his head back and gave reporters a smoldering duck face.

Experts agree his meaning is clear: the next time we see McGhie, he’ll be sipping cupcake wine at Coachella with Kylie Jenner.

“Ob la di, ob-la-da,” said McGhie, with a shrug and a twinkle in his eye.

With McGhie eventually out of the picture, rumour has it many other artists are vying for his place in the hearts of the Western community. Options include an Instapoet, a SoundCloud rapper or a YouTuber who specializes in lyric videos.

“Fuck that,” said second-year economics student Lynn Crawford. Despite how much she thinks Rupi Kaur is, like, really insightful, Crawford said Wednesday nights are for Rick. Period.

So until McGhie moves on, students will keep him going. And everyone can feel a little less guilty about how drained they feel the morning after Rick McGhie night.

1
3
0
0
0

Tags

Load comments